So much have happened in the past few days that i dont even know where to begin. All I can said its all started from a three day funeral process & all the sadness hasn’t exactly worn off. Its not that feeling of losing someone you love that hurts the most, it’s the aftermath that follows; and what made things worse was probably that feeling of losing & gaining apart of yourself from it along the way. The skies haven’t exactly been all clear, blue & beautiful for the past few days; and I couldn't sleep at night as I kept thinking of my grandma, the one who’s lived with me for more than 3/4 of my life is no longer around.
I just feel that at times the world doesn’t need to know so much about how I truly feel or hurt on the inside when it comes to matters of the heart involving my family. As I stepped into the hospital last Friday, looking at my aunt(s), uncle(s), doctor and nurse; they were all gathered right in front of the Acute Care Unit. I could smell from a far that all the weird things that's been going on in my life has to mean something, somehow in someways.
Afterall I just couldn't forget the sound of the flat heartbeat from the machine. I just wanted to wake her up just like how I did when I was small. "Wake up grandma, open your eyes". Please grandma, tell me this is not nightmare, not our goodbye. Then there it was, your final breath that I didn’t want to believe it. I glanced upon a sheet covering over her face; while doctor announced her departure at 4.30p.m on 13th May 2011.
They say that things all happen for a reason, and I think she’s finally freed from all her sufferings; battled life for a couple of years. She’s lived a good 77 years, and in so many ways I wish that I could have spent a little more time loving her instead of bombarded her with all my problems and misbehaving princess attitude. I guess this is a lesson that I must learn to appreciate someone or something before it's too late.
Thus, its not exactly easy to host funeral to the dearest in your life, to attend and go-thru is a million times harder and please don’t blame me for being a little reserved or weird out temporarily, I’m really trying to cope with everything at the moment. I think that moment of watching someone you love die, being hours away before the final breathe is by far the toughest. Its a cocktail of emotions, and I did my best holding my tears, i guess. Cause I realized you were at peace and not suffering anymore cos she had been fragile, weak & helpless for the past few months.
Anyway, rest in peace grandma(ah ma), I love you. It's not only a simple grandma-grandchildren relations, you meant alot more than that. Someone who I can shared everything and anything. Nobody can even replaced you in my heart. I’ve always loved you and I'll never stop loving you. I will never forget how you filled up my childhood with laughter, sweet memories!
You were always there for me. Through the tough times you were the one to lift me back up. We had our weekly window shopping and had lunch every single day after my college - it's either mixed rice or Kepong KTZ. Not forgotten our favourite ah ne's ABC and Goreng Pisang for tea-time. I will never forget how delicious is your home-made curry-puff, bao, meatball, popiah, dumpling and much much more. You were the kindest most generous grandma I will ever meet, who never scold or hit any of us before, no matter how wrong we are, you are always there for us. Of course this is apart of life and we all knew this day would come someday, it doesn’t make it any easier. But knowing that you don’t have to worry anymore and you are no longer in pain makes it a little easier. Thank you Grandma for all you did for me. If it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be who I am today. For that I am forever grateful.
P/s: I MISS YOU
- The End -
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