I'm down with insomnia again.. yes, sleepless night again!
This isn’t the first time that happened recently, in fact for the past few days or weeks, this is how I’ve been feeling every day. I keep trying to pinpoint what is making me feel this way, blaming it on the fact that I hate my job, overloaded work-task, dad's financial problem and grandma's health condition. Then blaming the stress, blaming anything and everything I could, but I know it wasn’t the true.. at all.
The few weeks that we spent together were some of the happiest weeks of my life. Every time you came to visit me, I felt a kind of happiness that I can’t even explain; but the super-mao-face (me) trying to save my face by acting like there's nothing to shout about but deep down my heart melts like chocolate fondue. And every time you left I counted down the days until I would see you again. I fell for you after only knowing you for a few days, and after that I just continued to fall. I loved the simple text messages you would send me every morning, telling me how much you missed me. I loved the way you smelled, I loved your sillyness, I loved your smile, I loved how you burp and fart uncultured-ly in front of me, I loved everything of you.
I was so happy that it seemed like nothing could bring me down, but a fear beneath me was creeping up on me, as it had done with all of my past relationships. I was now so afraid of what life would be like without you that I convinced myself that everything would be easier if I ended our relationship before I began to rely on you too much so I pushed you away. I let you go. and I hate myself from doing it. Its all because of things never worked out and I’ve come to realize that my life here is nothing without you. But if one day you told me you told me you doesn't love me anymore, I don’t think I could handle hearing you tell me this. It would kill me.
So, I’m stuck. I will continue to wake up every day feeling empty and I will carry on with my day-to-day life especially after the day you walked away from me. Yes, that day (15th April 2011) you leaved me again, you walked away from me although this time you leaved me alone in my room. I am so blardy worried about you til I drove up to Subang not knowing the exact route at 12 midnight (although I had PAPAGO in my hand). I m motionless by the time and my mind is totally blank. I told myself not to find you back as you had promised me not to walked away from me anymore and yet you doing it again in just few weeks time.
Moreover, I do not know what do I want by driving up to Subang looking for you. I don't know whether you want to see me or not, and I am so afraid knowing you doesn't love me anymore. Every time I see you, it reminds me how miserable you are, tolerating my demanding princess attitude which you'd complained to my bestie and not me. Hearing it from other people, hurts me even more. T4 I feel like I am so stupid driving up to Subang, but all I want is to know you reached home safely.
I remember u told me, your heng dai(s) said we're hardly going to work out. No one believed that we would survive this kind of relationship. But still, here we are, you and me together still. But.. there's lots of up and down and I'm starting to get scared, worrying and sensitive about every single tiny little things and it makes things worst ! I could feel you're in dilemma.. and I just hate that you don't feel/see it. Or maybe you see it, but you don't tell.
That day his mum called me. She hopes that I could think of his future by not keeping him beside of me all day long and she beliefs he'll neglect/failed his study if he continues to be with me. She says she can't stop us as his son had chosen to be with me (so does it means she had tried to stop us?). I really don't know how to answer her in the next 25 mins so I chose to remained silent although she keep repeating that she does not object/reject/stop us but the more she repeat, the more I can sense that she does not want to see me at all.. that is why she added 'if' we have chance to meet bla bla bla rather than i hope we have the chance to meet up
All of this issue brings us the distance. The fact that while mostly all of my friends spends all the days with their boyfriend/girlfriend, I only get two day a week. Sometimes it's jus few hours. The distance, the consequences, the rejection that changes everything, it makes us both so vulnerable. and weak. But right now I can only hope. Hoping for something which would not happen.
Its much difficult now, I refused to stay in this mess… I know non of this was your intention, but it happened… and now all I want is 'to let go'. Easiest said than done. Its really hard for me to let him go because I love him wholeheartedly. The pain in the interim may seem unbearable. I worried he though he had found it but only to realize he is not sure. Outside pressure may push us in directions we're are uncomfortable with. So I'll be strong and resilient, I hope our patience paid off one day.. or someday.
- The End -
