Feb 27, 2010

I m trapped

That day I was blog hoping as usual, suddenly I came across to this blog. This young couple seem like a really genuine, sweet couple. I loves reading her blog.

But reading her blog makes me encounter a certain word “trapped". Idk why but I start to feel a little claustrophobic just staring at the word. After I reflected on it twice, it continues to show up in different contexts. Now it really has my attention. I’ve been asking myself, “What am I supposed to learn?” Well, let’s see if by the end of this post I have that figured out.

I felt sorta mixed feelings in me again. Mostly sadness. Sometimes it becomes a little more profound.

In some way losing J last year has made me appreciate the people we do have in our lives. I do not want to look back on the times he spent with us and feel I did not do enough to earn his approval or that he was not happy enough. Every time when I'm back, I stumbled and look at the the empty house there will be a lump in the throat. Each time and every time I will automatically think of him. For example, each time he snores while we're watching movie, I will kick or do something irresistibly annoying till he awakes. (Yes, thats Me! the devilish and sassy me)

And there will be moments when I will appreciate the private time J and I get but there will also be moments when I wish there were other family members around to share our happiness and sadness. As I m more to a family oriented person, t4 I hope my another half is a family person too.

Occasionally there will be times when I look around and feel happy about everything that I've maintain but I also look around in the same time feeling an emptiness inside and outside. It is amazing how people grow on us. I would have never expected to feel this way about anyone who was not related by blood to me.



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